Update

The fine people (ok, person) at rosiethewonder dog has kindly requested an update. My apologies to anyone and everyone I have left hanging. So, without further ado, I am posting an update to all the unfinished happenings at Dysfunctional Office.

Paris & the IUD
I am happy to report that the IUD is firmly in place. This was a great relief to Paris as well as the Virgin. The Virgin seems to be getting along well after the incident. Counseling has helped, and the nightmares are fewer and farther between. Maybe someday he will be able to make eye contact with a woman again! Paris is not taking any chances, though, and has instructed her boyfriend to wear BCG's. For those of you who don't know, these are military issued glasses which the enlisted dub "birth control glasses" because they are so unattractive (my apologies to anyone who is currently sporting a pair).

My Hamburger
Maybe my hesitance in posting an update is because this is still a rather sensitive subject for me to talk about. Last I wrote, Paris had received an anonymous tip that my prime suspect was, indeed, the culprit. All I needed for the situation to be rectified was a new hamburger, which I'm sad to report, I have not received. It doesn't need to be a Hudson Hamburger, even, as I'm quite hooked on the Wendy's Spicy Baconator. Still, every day my desk is void of any meat products.

The Cat
For the most part, Wide Load is leaving me alone. He has a tendency to torture one person at a time and it seems my time has passed. He has been paying special attention to the Virgin lately, so hopefully there will be a post involving Wide Load and the Virgin in the near future.

While there has been plenty of unpostable drama here, blog-worthy events have been a little slow. Maybe now would be a good time for Idaho to tell a story from Dysfunctional-Office Past. There really is an bottomless pool to draw from here, so like a little kid who likes to hear a story over and over again, I will put out my plea to Idaho - Tell the story of Bucky and lost lost wheel, please, please please!

Anonymous Tip

Just when I thought the trail had gone cold, I received some news on the hamburger caper today. Paris Hilton got an anonymous tip yesterday. It turns out the person that I suspected all along (Bucky) admitted to the crime. I knew it was him from the start. For one, the cleaning crew spotted him in the office the night of the theft. Another telltale sign is that his guilty conscience hasn't allowed him to speak to me for the past week. I told Paris if she were to let the tipster know that if a hamburger were to appear on my desk one day, I would let the whole thing go. Well, not really let it go, I'm not very good at that. But, I would quit talking about it until Bucky does something else to piss me off.

Dysfunctional Office Pool

Idaho asked me to make this post yesterday, but as you can see from his latest, I was a little busy trying to track down the culprit that stole my hamburger. I did some investigating and the case seems to be at a standstill until we bring in the polygraph. So, in the meantime, our little dysfunctional office now has a swimming pool in the basement.

A couple of months ago, the Boss Man's private bathroom was made public by punching a door into the hallway and closing down the door that is in his office. It was a perfectly functional, albeit outdated bathroom, until Horn Hunter took it upon himself to remodel. The self proclaimed "perfectionist" got to work gutting the bathroom, re-doing the walls and floors and installing a new toilet and sink.

Far be it from me to criticize someone else's work when it was obviously a job that I could never undertake on my own; but the fact that I couldn't perform this project would lead me to believe I wouldn't be able to spot a "perfectionist's" flaws. I mean, really, how is an amateur such as myself to know that a big glob of soldering thrown on a pipe will not keep the water out better than solder applied all the way around a pipe? I guess I have a lot to learn.

Anywho, it must have been a defective pipe or defective solder because I know it couldn't be defective Horn Hunter that caused the pipe to leak the very first day the bathroom was back in operation. The Boss Man headed into the basement and I heard him scream like a little girl and run up the stairs. Soon enough, Horn Hunter was headed down with a mop and bucket. I didn't see it first hand, as it wasn't clarified until the mess was cleaned up whether it was a fresh water swimming pool or something that seemed to gross to consider (it ended up being clean, by the way), but I hear it was only deep enough to use as a wading pool. Horn Hunter was busy the rest of the day trying to fix the leak, so maybe by today we have a lap pool.

The Missing Hudson???

A theft has engulfed our office. Like a nasty black cloud, it has overwhelmed all work and progress. No work can be completed until the culprit is sought. Well, at least for Rosie.

Excited to get to work this morning, Rosie arrived smiling ear to ear. Why you may ask? Because she knew that in the refrigerator she had, left over from yesterday, a Hudson hamburger. Not just any hamburger mind you, but a Hudson hamburger. Known for it's ginormous hamburgers, Hudson's has made a name for itself being in business for over a hundred years, serving hamburgers that cannot be reproduced. Yesterday, the Virgin bought two for Rosie while at lunch. Quickly she ate one, but saved the other for this mornings breakfast. You can imagine her shock when she opened the refrigerator, and it was GONE!

Like Sherlock Holmes, she has diligently worked her way around the office interviewing would be criminals and trying to put this mystery to rest. Though no thief has been apprehended yet, there are a couple of shady looking suspects. Rosie's work will continue until the hamburger thief admits to their guilt and boldly takes the rap.

By the way, Rosie in charge of payroll. I would not want to be on the receiving end of the check of the would be thief if Rosie solves this mystery. I will do my best to post updates as they happen................

My IUD is Falling Out!

Not mine, the receptionist's (aka Paris Hilton). She is all stressed out because she thinks it is falling out. Our very perceptive and sensitive co-worker, lets call him The Virgin, asked her what was troubling her. She tried to be kind and tell him it might make him uncomfortable. He was very confident that he could handle whatever she was dishing out. I told him he better have a seat and take his coat off, it was about to get a little warm in here.

Paris tells the Virgin "I think my IUD is falling out."

"What's that?" the oh-so-naive Virgin asks.

Paris proceeds to tell him all about it while the Virgin starts turning red and keeps pulling at his collar like it is choking him. I'll give him credit, he gathered his composure very well and asked some very intelligent questions on the subject:

How long is it supposed to last?

How do you know it is still there?

How does the doctor rectify the situation?

Does our health insurance cover this?

The Virgin stumbles away, off to do some research on the subject, promising himself and Paris that he will become a more informed Virgin so he can offer up some sound advice on the subject in future times of turmoil.

Cats are Gross

After a fabulous weekend filled with pampering myself, eating and drinking too much, and hanging out with the family, I was none too thrilled about heading back to the office Monday morning. Nevertheless, I arrived early, the first one through the door, where I was promptly greeted by the office cat, Wide Load. I'm not really a cat person, but Wide Load and I have learned to co-exist during the work week. I was a little surprised when he jumped on my desk looking for some attention, but I let him sit on my desk calendar. However, I drew the line when he climbed on my lap and started kneading my thighs with his claws. I gave him a slight shove onto the floor. Not the smartest move, as I have been warned that Wide Load is a vindictive, not-so-little cat. He promptly exacted his revenge by jumping on my printer and puking all over it! I wish the story ended there, but instead of walking away, he starts consuming what he had just purged! So disgusting! And I mean really enjoying it, smacking his lips, chewing extra loud to devour every last bit of flavor from his newly created meal. I had to walk away until he was finished with the "breakfast" and then come back to spray Lysol all over. Then, the Lysol stench gave me a headache and, just like that, my week was off to a fantastic start!

Locked Out!

It is important to understand that the comings and goings of a typical work week here at dysfunctional central, include office personnel inhabiting the office from 5:30 AM to 7:00 PM. Weekends include random visits from those employed for any and all reasons, sometimes even work. It is very seldom that our owner/founder, lets just call him Boss Man, does not show up one of the days, let alone both of them. This past weekend he found himself in a bit of pickle.

After arriving Sunday about mid morning, plugging in his phone and setting his keys on his desk, the Boss Man makes a quick trip back out to his truck to retrieve his i-pod, unfortunately locking the door behind him. Now, this little mishap may detour the common Joe, however engineers are a crafty species. After checking all available doors that may be unlocked, the Boss Man finds a small window about seven feet off the ground that is conveniently unlocked. No problem he thinks, he will just climb up on top of the air conditioning unit, remove the storm window and enter the building by means of squeezing through.

This is the part where we have to stop so I can explain something. For one, the Boss Man is not a wimpy little guy who has made a career of just slipping in through unsuspecting windows. And two, the window trying to be slipped into is not is not your average viewing window, but a window that is just about the same size as the Boss Mans shoulders.

Okay, back to the story. Still unable to position himself in such a manner that he could jump through the window head first, the Boss Man found a chair on the porch and stacked it on top of the air conditioning unit. I know what you are thinking and you are right. With the grace of a bull in a china shop, he managed his way on top of the A/C unit and then up on to the chair. Now, five feet off the ground and teetering on the chair, his chances of entering the seven foot high window were much better.

In one fluid motion (I am picturing a blind man threading a needle) the Boss Man dives through the opening of the window as if diving into a lake. Forcing his arms and shoulders through the opening he stuck himself in the hole of the window, arms and shoulders in, butt and legs out. (This is the part I wish I would have seen) Legs kicking and arms flailing, he managed to turn himself partially onto his side while in the window hole, and finagle one leg through the upper most corner of the window, leaving one leg and his butt for the viewing of the passers. With one leg through, he now had to start rearranging office partitions and what not in an effort to not completely destroy the interior of the building when he landed. Finally, with a last effort and a little help from gravity, he toppled in through the window and was back inside the building. Within seconds of his entrance, another employee (Bucky) calmly unlocked the front door and walked through.

The amazing part of this to me is this. Our office is located on one of the busiest streets in our town. How this fifteen minute ordeal could take place in view of everyone without anyone calling the police or causing a ten car pile up is beyond me.

First Post

Inspired by the works of Slagboy and Rosiethewonderdog, Idaho and I (Rosie) have decided we have too many funny stories about the disfunctional office we work in that NEED to be told. Gone are the days of me making phone call after phone call to update people of the latest developments in the work place. These stories will make you laugh, cry, and maybe even throw up. Sometimes you will think we are lying, other times the truth may hit a little too close to home. So I will leave it to Idaho to get it started.