Beady Eyed Little Bastard

I'm thinking of writing a children's story:

The Tale of the Beady Eyed Little Bastard

Once upon a time, a beady eyed little bastard lived in a crappy house with his wide-assed wife.

Every morning he would wake up and put his contacts into his beady little eyes.

Then he would put on his pants and pull them up to his armpits and cinch them really tight with a belt.

Most mornings, the beady eyed little bastard would drive his butt-ugly Subaru Brat to work.

He liked to wait until everyone else had been working for at least 3 hours.

He would get to the office then go to the store for cream.

He always bought the cream on his company credit card, but yelled at other people in the office if they used his cream.

Then he would come back to the office and spend an hour making the world's most complicated pot of coffee.

By the time he finished his first cup of coffee it would be time to have lunch with his frizzy haired mistress.

He would be pretty stressed out after his 2 hour lunch so he needed to wind down with a bike ride.

After his ride he needed to decompress and discuss his splits outside the office window for an hour.

Wow, is it time to go home already? Time sure flies at work. Now the beady eyed little bastard goes home to his wide-assed wife and delinquent children.

And they live happily ever after!