Donor List

This is my plea to America. We need your help! Does anyone know how to get on a national registry to become a donor recipient? The Bossman is in desperate need of a pair of testicles. We must hurry, before it is too late.

Paris' New Hat!

Not much to report these days with Bucky gone and the Beady Eyed Little Bastard away for a few weeks, but we can usually count on Paris Hilton to keep things interesting.

She strolls into work the other morning deep in thought. We all wish her a good morning, but she is so focused on whatever is on her mind that it doesn't even register that people are speaking to her. In fact, I don't even think she knows where she is or how she got here. Finally she breaks her silence to report "On my lunch hour today, I need to buy a straw cowboy hat."

So now we all know what weighs heavy on her mind!

Beady Eyed Little Bastard

I'm thinking of writing a children's story:

The Tale of the Beady Eyed Little Bastard

Once upon a time, a beady eyed little bastard lived in a crappy house with his wide-assed wife.

Every morning he would wake up and put his contacts into his beady little eyes.

Then he would put on his pants and pull them up to his armpits and cinch them really tight with a belt.

Most mornings, the beady eyed little bastard would drive his butt-ugly Subaru Brat to work.

He liked to wait until everyone else had been working for at least 3 hours.

He would get to the office then go to the store for cream.

He always bought the cream on his company credit card, but yelled at other people in the office if they used his cream.

Then he would come back to the office and spend an hour making the world's most complicated pot of coffee.

By the time he finished his first cup of coffee it would be time to have lunch with his frizzy haired mistress.

He would be pretty stressed out after his 2 hour lunch so he needed to wind down with a bike ride.

After his ride he needed to decompress and discuss his splits outside the office window for an hour.

Wow, is it time to go home already? Time sure flies at work. Now the beady eyed little bastard goes home to his wide-assed wife and delinquent children.

And they live happily ever after!

Happy Days!

This has been brewing for a few weeks now, but I was hesitant to say anything until I knew it was actually going to happen. Now, I'm happy to report that it has happened. What is this news that has made my Friday the 13th a good day for me? Bucky is gone. That's right, gone. Fired.

It all started last week. Well, in reality, it started last fall when he first freaked out, yelled at everyone, quit, and stormed out. Unfortunately, his retirement didn't stick and he was back 2 hours later. I won't go into all the nasty details of the past 8 months; I'm saving that for my novel. Let's just say he was on my list long before he stole my hamburger.

Back to last week. Bucky was once again homeless and living in the office. He sleeps on the floor, gets up early the next morning, showers then heads out to a job interview. He knew his time here was fleeting so he was trying to stay a step ahead. While he is gone on his job interview, we bring in a potential replacement for an interview. Bucky comes back from his interview outraged that we would have the nerve to interview someone while he is still here. Excuse me?? We all know he is looking for another job, yet we aren't allowed to find a replacement? So Bucky pitches a huge fit that leads to him crying and calling Shaggy a liar. Apparently, Bucky still thinks Shaggy wrecked the prized bicycle. That was the final straw for Shaggy and he took it upon himself to fire Bucky in the Bossman's absence.

A firing at any functional office means you are fired, pack up your stuff, turn in your key, collect your final paycheck and hit the road. A firing at dysfunctional office means you can still work and live here for 2 1/2 weeks.

A couple of days ago, it comes to the attention of the Bossman that Bucky isn't producing any work. What's that you say Bossman? Someone who has been fired isn't producing? How strange. In most instances a fired employee is the highest producer. Bossman is outraged and demands Bucky gone. Two seconds later I have his final paycheck ready to go, but of course Bucky left at noon. First thing the next morning, Bucky collects his final check, gathers his clothes out of the closet, grabs his toiletries and is out the door.

Oh, but before he leaves he manages to leave a note on the bathroom mirror saying "We'll see whose cryin'?" and calls us all liars and cowards.

And another one bites the dust...

Maybe Wide Load Loves Me After All

The other day I was really really mad at the Bossman so I was in his office telling him exactly what I thought. I think the term "spineless doormat" was said more than once. Right in the middle of my tirade, Wide Load enters the room, walks right up to the Bossman and pukes on his feet. Just when I think that cat can't stand me, he goes and does something like this - and totally redeems himself!

Guess What I'm Eating Right Now?

Yes! A Hudson's Hamburger! Is it from Bucky? No. It is from some drunk guy named Arnold who wandered in off the streets with a whole bag of them. I am not too proud (or cautious) to accept hamburgers from anyone. Paris is eating one too. If we go down, we go down together.

Good Bye Chicken Hawk

Maybe my posts tend to dwell on Bucky a bit too much. Sometimes I get so caught up that I forget about all the other crazies that work at Dysfunctional Office. I hadn't even had a chance to post about Chicken Hawk and now he is gone. Back to the slammer, the big house, prison, lock up, the rock. You get the idea. This is exactly where Chicken Hawk was when I first started working here almost 2 years ago. Come to think of it, this is where Chicken Hawk was 2 1/2 years ago when Idaho started working here. In fact, Chicken Hawk's imprisonment is the reason Idaho was hired. You may notice a pattern here; the Bossman does not have a spine when it comes to getting rid of people.

So, anyway, it was about a year ago that the Chicken Hawk wrote a letter to the judge on the Bossman's behalf. "All you have to do is sign your name" is what Chicken Hawk told Bossman. The letter was a humble plea to be freed on work release. The letter claimed that Chicken Hawk was "quite possibly the best employee Dysfunctional Office has ever had." Yes, because employees that wind up in the clink are often the finest of employees. I better delve into some illegal underworld before I hit the Bossman up for a raise.

Needless to say, Chicken Hawk was hired and became a functioning part of society for about 10 months. Then he becomes MIA. Doesn't show up at the job sites. Doesn't return phone calls. Oh, now might be the time to mention he is driving around in a company vehicle.

Last Friday we get the call. Chicken Hawk is back in the poke. I am the lucky one that gets to pick up the company truck from the probation office where Chicken Hawk was hauled off. The back window is broke out, there is garbage and rotting food all over the place. I gingerly climb in and start driving. I find out after the fact that it is still on the police's list of vehicles to watch out for. Lucky I managed to make it back to the office without joining the Chicken Hawk.

Paris and I have spent the last week cleaning up his personal files which contain a number of pictures, which took up 15 CD's, plus I have been fielding some pretty interesting calls on his cell phone. Paris has downloaded conversations he records on the company's Dictaphone. Oh, they are funny. For as much as it seems like hiring, re-hiring, re-hiring again, then re-hiring again an ex-con, when Chicken Hawk was on, he really was the best employee Dysfunctional-Office has ever had. I'm going to miss him. Goodbye Chicken Hawk. Until Bossman hires you again.....